Fact: A bird in the hand is worth two weeks down with the bird flu.

Dangers of Telephones

Know the dangers, and avoid telephone-related death and injury!

Fact: The sudden startling noise of a telephone ringing can cause you to have a heart attack, choke on food, fall off of a ladder, or drop something heavy on your foot.
Fact: Holding a speaker up to your ear, such as one inside a phone, can lead to hearing loss. Hearing the same frequency repeatedly at a high volume, such as the frequency used in a telephone ringer, can also lead to permanent hearing loss for that frequency.
Fact: Picking up a phone too quickly to your ear can cause bruising to your delicate cartilage.
Fact: Your significant other can't break up with you over the phone if you never pick up, nor can they arrange an in-person meeting to break up with you if you cannot be reached.
Fact: Telephones cost money to have and use, money not being spent on food. People need food to live.
Fact: Car accidents only occur when somebody, somewhere, is talking on the phone, and remain a leading cause of car accidents in general.
Fact: Telephones use about 30 milliamps to operate. That's more than 30 times the amperage needed to cause ventricular fibrillation.
Fact: Cell phone antennas operate using radiation, and all phone speakers use electromagnetic radiation to operate.
Fact: Every year thousands of people die from asphyxiation as a result of telephone cord strangulation and other causes.
Fact: Every time you pick up the phone, you are affirming the life of the person who called you, leading to potentially dangerous egotistical mania. This unceasing feeling of importance can lead them down a road to running a fascist dictatorship, starting a dangerous cult, or calling you again.

Learn how to avoid the dangers of telephones!

If you have already gotten rid of every telephone in your home and on your person, you can take these steps to prevent other telephones from hurting you in public:

  1. Wear ear protection. The number one cause of telephone-related ear injury is the telephones themselves. Your best hope is actually earmuffs, as they provide the dual protection of dampening sound exposure and soften any physical blows.
  2. Wear lead. To prevent radiation exposure, lead is an effective solution. Get one of those lead aprons used in hospitals for x-rays, and get a lead helmet to protect your precious brain. Lead paints in your home may also help keep you alive by blocking the radiation given off by phones in use, but you may wish to instead line your home with thicker lead that this. A viable alternative to lead is concrete, but keep in mind that you will need approximately 6 times the thickness to get the same protection. This could be unwieldy.
  3. Don't drive. There is a strong correlation between telephones and car accidents. It is best to avoid cars, roads, and even wheels in general so long as telephones remain in use within a few miles of you. Remember, friends don't let friends drive near telephones.
  4. Avoid people. Sadly, cell phones are becoming ever more popular, and it may simply be time to cut people out of your life entirely. It was bad enough when every house had a phone, but now people have multiple lines, one or more cell phones, and who knows how many other telephone-related devices. If you see a person, run for your life. They may be trying to harm you in other ways as well.

If you haven't yet removed this scourge from your home or person, you can take these steps to minimize the damage telephones can do to you:

  1. If it rings, ignore it. Every bit of bad news somebody might be trying to tell you about, every political campaign pollster, every estranged relation, it is all there on the other end. Remember this, and it can be easier to resist.
  2. Unplug it! The first step in avoiding hearing loss, radiation exposure, and ear injury has to be disabling the mechanism that allows it to ring. After ensuring that it cannot ring in its current state, remove any batteries, power cords, or anything else that might allow it to emit radiation.
  3. Avoid moisture. Sweating or having wet hands greatly reduces the resistance your skin has to electric currents. Be as dry as you can be at all times.
  4. Cut the cord. Telephone cords are incredibly dangerous. Thankfully these strangulation and tripping hazards have gone out of style, but they have been replaced by the equally dangerous cordless phones, which use radiation to work. Your best option is to remove all telephones from your life, or at the very least use speakerphone.