Fact: It's possible you're dreaming this. In which case, wake up there's a dude about to stab you in your sleep!

Dangers of Shoes

Know the dangers, and avoid shoe-related death and injury!

Fact: Every time you put on shoes, you risk any number of dangers unseen while you concentrate on tying them, such as an escaped odd-toed ungulate from the zoo charging at you.
Fact: If you stepped in lava while wearing a shoe, the shoe would melt faster than you were able to take off the shoe to save your foot.
Fact: If your foot suddenly had necrosis, you would not be able to visually see it while wearing a shoe, ultimately causing you to lose your entire leg or your life.
Fact: High-heeled shoes cause arthritis, chronic knee pain, sprained ankles, and back problems.
Fact: Shoe laces can be a choking hazard if you attempt to swallow them.
Fact: Shoes worn or not, can be a serious tripping hazard.
Fact: Wearing shoes that are too tight can cause ingrown toenails.
Fact: In the event of an earthquake or other sudden shift in forces in your environment, shoes can become lethal projectiles.
Fact: Most workplace accidents occur for people while they are wearing shoes.
Fact: Shoes increase your weight, throwing off the balance inside your car as it rocks slowly halfway off of a cliff or bridge.
Fact: Dogs may find your shoes enjoyable to chew on, and decide to chew on them with your feet inside.
Fact: Shoes can cause you to be susceptible to fungal infections.
Fact: Wearing one or more shoes while attempting to swim away from a sinking ocean liner will slow you down, weigh you down, and greatly increase your chances of being sucked down into the abyss, bitten by a shark, or grabbed and eaten by a polar bear attempting to swim to land from a melting iceberg.

Learn to prevent the dangers of shoes!

Luckily these deathtraps prove most dangerous while they are actually on your feet. If you absolutely must wear shoes, these tips may help you prevent the bulk of the danger:

  1. Do not wear shoes with laces. Instead, use a knife to cut the entire top of the shoe open so your foot can easily escape. Apply honey as a weak adhesive.
  2. Take your shoes off often. This will allow your feet to air out, give you opportunity to check for necrosis, and decrease your likelihood of being mauled by bears or bitten by sharks. Warning: When you put your shoes back on, do so as quickly as possible, and look up often. It may help to have a spotter.
  3. Avoid high-heels. In fact, avoid heels altogether. Wearing shoes with no heels will help you escape them as soon as you touch the lava or notice your ship sinking, simply slip them off quickly. This is by no means an endorsement for flip-flops, but the principle is the same.
  4. Do not wear shoes to work. As shoe-wearing has a strong correlation with workplace accidents, you are best to leave your shoes at home. If you have smelly feet and your coworkers complain, try to explain to them that you might be saving their life if there's ever an earthquake.
  5. Avoid small spaces. As wearing a shoe greatly increases the circumference of your foot, you may find yourself getting stuck in narrow nooks or cramped crannies where you otherwise would have been free. Getting caught like this will immobilize you, making it hard to run away from assassins or trained monkeys.
  6. Avoid small shoes. Don't try to avoid the dangers of small spaces by wearing smaller shoes. You can cause serious damage to your feet, and you risk becoming trapped in your shoes, unable to escape when you drop a flask of acid on them.

If you can avoid wearing shoes, there are still risks. Fortunately there are ways to reduce them:

  1. Keep any shoes in your home locked away in a vault or safe, so they cannot go flying through the air or train dogs to attack them on sight.
  2. If you do not have a vault or safe, place them in any sort of box, at floor level, secured carefully with duct tape. The more tape the better.
  3. Always know where the shoes are. If you don't know where the nearest shoes are at all times, you run the risk of tripping over them.
  4. Never let your children play with shoes. Shoes are like a loaded firearm or a box of matches. If you wouldn't let your kid play with those, you shouldn't let them play with shoes.