Fact: It's possible you're dreaming this. In which case, wake up there's a dude about to stab you in your sleep!

Dangers of Reading Books

Know the dangers, and avoid reading-related death and injury!

Fact: Books are made with razor-sharp paper that can easily cut you.
Fact: Reading can fill your mind with dangerous ideas. At least, some governments and organizations think so.
Fact: Becoming engrossed in a book may distract you from feeding yourself, leading you to starve to death.
Fact: You cannot see a bear sneaking up on you if you are reading a book.
Fact: Many famous authors committed suicide. Reading their stories may allow yourself to become influenced by them, leading to your untimely death.
Fact: Reading in a moving vehicle or on a boat can make you nauseous.
Fact: Reading while walking can lead to tripping over your daughter's bookbag and breaking two ribs when you fall down on a nearby rocking chair.
Fact: Reading can isolate you from social activities, thus dooming you to a lonely, meaningless existence.
Fact: Book clubs are often an excuse to gossip with your friends while consuming vast amounts of drugs, such as caffeine or alcohol, as well as unhealthy foods.
Fact: Reading books helps keep librarians employed, a secretive group that may or may not be trying to dominate the world through subliminal mind control messages implanted in pro-reading posters, and the books themselves.
Fact: Reading too much can cause myopia, or nearsightedness, causing you to get contact lenses because you're too vain to wear glasses and you end up with ptosis, conjunctivitis, corneal abrasion, hypoxia, keratitis, and keratoconus, or you get LASIK eye surgery instead and in a freak power surge accident you end up blinded and missing half of your face.

Learn to prevent the dangers of reading!

You can avoid books with these easy tips:

  1. Avoid bookstores and libraries. Both of these locations contain literally millions of razor-sharp edges, even more than a store that sells razors or knives. If you don't want to get cut into billions of tiny pieces, avoid libraries and bookstores like the threat they are.
  2. Stay away from book signings. In fact, avoid authors entirely. If there are any authors in your family, shun them. If you have a neighbor that writes for a living, see if you can get them arrested for creating weapons of mass destruction.
  3. Remember that bookshelves often contain books. Never have a bookshelf in your home, or go somewhere that might have a bookshelf.
  4. Don't go to the beach. People for some reason like reading on the beach. You're better off staying away from any potential readers.
  5. Run for your life if you meet a librarian. These people are nothing more than pushers of a potentially addicting and highly dangerous activity. They will probably try to get you to read, offering you loans of books, in the hopes that you will end up reading more, and even buying books of your own. If you ask them, they won't even deny it. Before long you will be thinking too much and bleeding to death as you starve on the floor with broken bones.

If a book sneaks up on you, take these evasive actions:

  1. Do not open the book. Do not read the book. Do not even touch the book.
  2. If you must read, do so with an IV, so you don't starve to death or die of thirst.
  3. Read wearing thick gloves, so you do not get cut.
  4. Never read while moving. Between the cracked ribs and throwing up all over the place, it's just not worth being mobile.
  5. Read from a distance. Protect your eyes by keeping the book as far away from them as possible. Use a magnifying glass if needed.
  6. If you're caught up in a book, reassure yourself that your life will be better if you don't actually end up knowing how it ends, and put the book away. Remember that imagination is more important than knowledge. Einstein said it, and he was really smart. He probably never finished reading a book in his life.