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Dangers of Onions

Know the dangers, and avoid onion-related death and injury!

Fact: Onions have lots of layers, like they have something to hide.
Fact: Onions give off an oil that reacts with the water in your eyes to form sulfuric acid.
Fact: Onions grow underground, like peanuts. And we all know how dangerous those can be.
Fact: Onions destroy your bone's osteoclasts with a really scary sounding chemical called gamma-L-glutamyl-trans-S-1-propenyl-L-cysteine sulfoxide.
Fact: Cutting an onion exposes you to two dangers, the onion oil spray which can blind you, and the knife you're cutting with. Using a knife while you're blind can lead to cutting off your fingers.
Fact: Onions can easily be used as a weapon to pelt you to death.
Fact: The Canaanites ate onions in the Bronze Age, and now there is no Canaan.
Fact: Onions were introduced to North America by Christopher Columbus in 1492, and nobody who lived at that time in North America are still alive today.
Fact: Onions created by the New Zealand Institute for Crop and Food Research supposedly will not cause your eyes to tear up, but in fact they are genetically engineered super onions that will murder us all as soon as they have established themselves in the market.
Fact: Onions contain allyl propyl disulfide, which lowers blood sugar levels. Too many onions could cause your blood sugar to dip dangerously low, resulting in coma, permanent brain damage, or death.
Fact: Since onions are round, they can roll off of your kitchen counter onto the floor where they pose a significant tripping hazard.
Fact: After chopping onions, the fine oily mist can float down to the ground by your feet, forming a slick surface which you can slip on while holding a knife, letting go of the knife so it tumbles high in the air as your feet go flying out in front of you and your chest hits the ground exactly where the knife will land as it falls, plunging deep into your heart and killing you, all in the space of seconds.

Learn to prevent the dangers of onions!

Take these steps to avoid onions:

  1. Avoid grocery stores. Onions are frequently found in the produce sections of grocery stores, often in quantities far larger than normally considered safe.
  2. Avoid countries that produce onions. The top ten onion producers are China, India, the United States, Turkey, Pakistan, Russia, South Korea, Japan, Egypt, and Spain, but onions are found in many other places as well.
  3. Avoid restaurants that use onions. There are a number of "holy trinities" of cuisine that contain onions. The French Mirepoix trinity, the Indian Wet trinity, the Italian Soffritto trinity, the Louisiana Cajun trinity, and the Spanish Sofrito trinity, to name a few. Any restaurants using these styles are guaranteed to have high numbers of onions in store.
  4. Don't go to biology class. Onions are frequently used in science classes because under a microscope the cells of an onion are easily seen.
  5. Avoid similar vegetables. Onions have numerous relatives, including shallots, leeks, garlic, and chives.
  6. Be aware of onion-eating moths. A number of moths like to eat onions in their larval stage. These include the cabbage moth, garden dart moth, large yellow underwing moth, nutmeg moth, setaceous hebrew character moth, and turnip moth. If you see any of these, there is a good chance onions may be nearby.
  7. Watch your step. Onions grow underground, so there could be an onion bulb working its evil right below your feet.

If you can't avoid an onion:

  1. Stay calm. While onions are vicious killers, they are as of yet unable to see you if you stay perfectly still, kind of like a T-rex (the Cretaceous Period dinosaur, not the King Mole Rat). Breathe slowly and wait for it to move on. If it doesn't move on, try one of these other steps.
  2. Back away slowly. The layers of an onion are actually fairly delicate, and if ruptured, will spray their sulfur haze of death into the air killing you perhaps instantly. So do not take any sudden actions, and back away slowly and carefully, staying aware of what's behind you. Remember, onions usually travel in packs, and you never know if there might be an oil slick or even a whole onion behind you.
  3. Call for help. While cowardly and selfish, sometimes you need to use somebody else as a sacrifice in order for yourself to stay alive. When somebody else enters the danger zone around the onion, quietly excuse yourself in case your rescuer cannot defuse the onion in time.
  4. Wear goggles. A good set of goggles, like the kind chemists wear, will protect your eyes from any spray or splashing that might occur during any onion encounters.
  5. Get a mask. Protecting your nose and mouth is just as important as protecting your eyes. A military surplus gas mask will actually give you protection for both your sight and your breathing.
  6. Wear a knife-resistant vest. Remember that the onion's main goal is to get you to stab yourself in a major organ. It is inevitable that it will succeed in this task no matter what you do to protect yourself, but you can outsmart the onion with a knife-resistant or knife-proof vest that will protect you from stabbings and getting impaled by any other objects.
  7. Coat your feet in rubber. While shoes are equally deadly as onions, coating your feet in a rubbery substance is perfectly safe, and will keep you from slipping.
  8. Set up an eye wash station in your home. If you are exposed to onions and begin to suffer the effects, have an eye wash station you can immediately go to minimize the damage. There are kits to convert ordinary faucets to eye wash stations available.