Dangers of Desks
Know the dangers, and avoid desk-related death and injury!
Fact: Desks do not protect you from nuclear blasts or radiation.
Fact: You can hit your head when you reach for a pencil or pen that dropped under your desk.
Fact: Walking swiftly around a desk may cause you to whack your hand or stub your toe.
Fact: Extra-marital affairs with your coworker on, under, or near your desk can lead to divorce, getting fired, and sexually transmitted infections.
Fact: Falling asleep at your desk can lead to headaches and bizarre patterns on your face.
Fact: Falling asleep under your desk can lead to a sore neck and cramped legs.
Fact: Desks lull you into a false sense of security when you sit behind them, but they cannot actually stop an asteroid from hitting you.
Fact: A very messy desk can lead to insanity, panic, and disease.
Fact: A very clean desk can lead to antibiotic-resistant strains of deadly bacteria.
Fact: Every time you walk next to a tall office building, you risk a desk flying out of a high floor-to-ceiling window and landing on top of you, ruining your nice clothes and ending your life, and also the broken glass will probably cut you.
Learn to prevent the dangers of desks!
If you have a desk, minimize your risk with the following advice:
- Don't duck and cover. Find a fallout shelter instead. Of course in the aftermath of nuclear war, you'll probably end up with a lot of free time. So before you head to the fallout shelter, pack up all your important stuff from your desk and take it with you.
- Attach foam padding to all corners of your desk. This will help mitigate damage to your extremities, although your desk will be less aerodynamic.
- Approach your desk with extreme caution. Remember, your desk will attempt to kill you if you give it a chance. Always be aware of its location in relation to you, and never approach it at an oblique angle.
- Use your feet. Don't reach under your desk to get a fallen object, use your feet to pull the object towards you, and bring it all the way out from under your desk. Then, very slowly, while watching your desk carefully, grab the object by leaning to your side, not forward.
- Never clean your desk, but keep it bare. Cleaning your desk is how you train little microscopic assassins to become better at killing you. Don't help natural selection breed superbugs. However, you should minimize the number of things on your desk, ideally your desk should have nothing on it at all. The more you have on your desk, the more places they can hide, and the more things that might suddenly fly up into your face should the building you're in collapse.
- Stick to the high ground. 100% of desk-crushing incidents occur because somebody found themselves below the level of a desk. Use a chair that places your entire body above the top plane of your desk, or keep your desk on the floor below where you work. For home offices, put your desk in your basement and do your work in the attic.
- Never sleep in a place where your desk can reach you. Always sleep in a room with no doors or windows large enough for your desk to fit through.
If you are willing to go deskless, try these alternatives:
- Get some sort of built-in flat surface with your chair. Popular at some schools, these special chairs give you all the benefit of a desk without the danger. They are also more stable than ordinary chairs.
- Use a dictation machine. Instead of typing or writing at your desk, let somebody else take all the risk. Just talk into a microphone all day and stay alive.
- Invest in a large dais and a throne. If having a desk and nice leather chair made you feel powerful and important when people saw you in your office, you can get the same effect with a gold-plated throne elevated from the floor.
- Use the floor. Take a more leisurely approach to work. Lie down and spread your papers and computer out on the floor in front of you.
- Use the back of a coworker/employee or two as a table. The benefit here is that your desk-substitute can follow you around, and even carry stuff for you. Whenever you need a flat surface, have them bend over to make a table.